News for May 2009

Coping In An Alcoholism Marriage

Coping in an alcoholism marriage or living with an alcoholic, or addict of any kind, is exceedingly difficult.

Living with an alcoholic in your life can make life seem impossible. Every day you are walking on eggshells. Life may be stressful, uncertain, or just plain bad. One thing is certain. It is never easy coping with an alcoholic in your life. It’s a rollercoaster of a ride.

Life is challenging enough without having someone with a substance abuse problem in your life. With an alcoholic, life can be just plain unbearable. You never know which face the person will show or how the person will react in any circumstance.

Alcohol tends to make individuals more impulsive and to decrease their ability to restrain their aggression. But remember, a drunk is not as dangerous as an alcoholic who cannot get his daily quota of drinks. This does not mean, however, that you should keep a warehouse full of the best liquors in the house, ready for the alcoholic. Spouses and children are affected indirectly when they are living with an alcoholic. The effects can vary from being withdrawn to being enablers of the alcoholic parent or spouse.

Alcohol creates distance. Drinking isn’t an alcoholic’s first love, it’s the only love. Until that bond is broken, no one else will be allowed in. When a person is so totally focused on obtaining and drinking alcohol, then that becomes the main relationship in that person’s life. It is not their significant other, their children, or even their job. Their one relationship is the one that they have with alcohol. All their desires, all their efforts go into their dance with alcohol. Everything else becomes secondary.

It is easy to get caught up in the problems of an alcoholic and to make that your entire world. Coping with an alcoholic we lie to protect their jobs (because as far as you know it’s the only time he stays sober). We catch them in one blatant lie after another. Coping in an alcoholism marriage is tumultuous and tiring. Family members often find themselves just as involved with the disease as the alcoholic. As a general rule, men tend to desert their alcoholic wives, whereas women often stand by their alcoholic husbands.

Loved ones try to change or “fix” the alcoholic, which is rarely possible. It’s like expecting a lemon to be an apple. Drinking is a much bigger issue than most people realize. Keep in mind that the only person who can change alcoholic behavior is the alcoholic. When the alcoholic doesn’t acknowledge his disease, the problems escalate at an alarming rate. Denying the problem or covering up doesn’t help at all.

You have to stop wallowing in a pool of pity and tears, as that will never help you get out of this situation. You need to start seeing your life as a separate entity to the alcoholic’s. As big as their problem is, it is yours, too. You need support, encouragement, untainted love, and joy in life. As much as you want to and should separate yourself from this problem, it is your problem too. When you’re coping in an alcoholism marriage you, also, need help. Somehow you became ingrained in patterns that alcoholism formed, and you need to find a way out of these patterns.

What you need to do is to create your own support network of family friends. Know what you can get from them. Some may be close enough to be available at all hours while others may be able to be there if you need someone to listen. Give others a chance to help out with whatever you need.

Those who have not lived through the experience of coping with or living with an alcoholic will only be able to help to a degree. They will not understand the daily trials, the emotions, or the overall experience that you are currently living. For this type of insight and understanding you’ll have to turn to those who have been through these circumstances. The best place to turn to for this level of understanding is Al-Anon.

You can learn ways of helping the alcoholic in your life and, most importantly, ways of helping yourself. You can learn that your happiness is not dependent upon anyone but you. You do not need someone else to give up alcohol for you to be happy. You do not want alcoholism to steal your life as it is stealing the life of your loved one. Coping in an alcoholism marriage isn’t a life. It’s an existence.

Help your loved one as much as you can, but create boundaries so that this help does not rob you of your life. It doesn’t help anyone to sacrifice your life over something you cannot control. Maintain your own happiness, and when your alcoholic spouse gets help, he or she can join you in that happiness.

Edited: May 26th, 2009